Yes. i think i should.
I've been travelling alot lately. it was all fun, and tiring at the same time. having good companions and experiences. having good meals and night time. catching flu and bellyache sometimes when i picked the wrong food or felt unfriendly weather. been alot in life, really. but being in a short trip of holiday keeping my life balance for some reason.
some people would notice i've been doing the same things over and over again. keep myself busy no matter what. letting myself tired as hell and came home in a very bad condition - i even think i could passed out several times. and at some nights, i couldn't even think anything and just lying on a bed and losing myself until dawn. i'm not gonna live forever i know, and when i feel unwell, i just pushed myself harder not to get knocked down by anything. i just wanna thru anything happily.
i realized that when i reached at the point where i couldn't think anything better for my life, like being in such a hell, i became somehow stronger than before. i could even keep my head high in front of everyone and showed them that they saw a grown up girl whose ready to kill her big world. i could smile and talk nicely to the person who i hate the most which is a rare thing i could've done. i also could keep my biggest problem just for myself and not telling anyone which is also the thing i hardly done. i could be a total asshole to some guys whose done things i don't like which is a new thing i've done since i'm always the one who trying to fit in.
today, when i woke up this morning - in a completely dark room, i thought i was in a dorm, back to 2009 when i was living in Bandung. it was a strange feel stroke in a few crazy seconds. my mind creating some unusual memory where i used to open my eyes looking at the schedule board where i always plan my day in there. i could see and feel everything in details. maybe i was imagining or maybe just missed some greatest time in my life. but there is a thing i tried to figured it out these few days, something that i missed but didn't really sure what it was. i don't know what it is but the feeling of missing something in my life became real lately, i felt it when i was walking down the street after work, i felt it when i was driving myself home at midnight after catching up with some friends, i felt it when i was alone in my room, and i felt it -almost every morning- when i woke up, and i felt it everywhere. it feels like woke up in my tiny dorm and feel empty.
i thought maybe i need to be more serious with work which i lost the passion way long ago, or maybe i need to have more fun which i almost get it everyday and every night, but i know it won't work. i thought maybe i need to give a try to go to Bandung, alone. spare some times walks under the umbrella on a rain to reach downtown, enjoying some locals food, sharing table and talking with some strangers, going to the place i loved to hangout, and maybe end up in some bars, drinking and talking shit about life to a bunch of group of people coming from nowhere, and sit in a side road in Braga-waiting for sunrise to drag me home. i don't know. it could be work and bring my life back to the track, or if it's don't work i'm not gonna lose anything, right?
no. if it's don't work, i don't know what else to do to have pulse in my heart. there's a friend of mine asking me to forgive myself. he said that there is nothing could help me for having such a hard time in life because i was mad and pushed away everything which pushed away my happiness too. he said, no matter how hard i work or how often i hang out with friends, those angry feeling won't go away if i can't forgive myself. he also remind me that, there's something missing in my life which i should search it back immediately. he said, "i never knew anyone like you before, you do things not because you love it, you do things because you mad at someone in your life and wants to show him that you could do things better than he did... it is scary, dida. you shouldn't do that, cause when you reach at the point where you can see him from the top, you will fall far behind cause you don't have anything to hang yourself in that position... please, the only thing i could do is remind you to figured out what is the best things to hold on to when you are in a bad condition. don't let anyone see you fall again.".
everyone work hard in their life just to survive. and they earn laughs and smiles and happiness. why can't i earn it?
-db-
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